Money and Relationships: How to Improve your Money Dynamic with your Partner

When we think about building wealth, we often focus on strategies — saving, investing, budgeting. But the truth is, one of the most important and overlooked elements of wealth-building is who we’re building it with.

Your romantic partner isn’t just your life companion — they’re your primary partner in wealth. How the two of you relate to money sets the tone for your financial future. If your current dynamic feels tense, misaligned, or unclear, there’s good news: it can be changed. And it starts with you.

Taking ownership of your emotional and mental space is the foundation for changing any dynamic — especially one around money.

Why Relationships Are Financial Partnerships

From a young age, many of us were taught, either explicitly or subtly, that money and love don’t mix. But nothing could be further from the truth. Financial decisions in a partnership — from where you live, to how you invest, to how you dream — are deeply intertwined with your relational dynamic.

In fact, studies show that the financial impact of divorce can be steep: a 2021 study from Boston College found that divorce leads to an average 77% drop in wealth, with women often hit harder due to income gaps and caretaking responsibilities. On the flip side, healthy relationships can boost long-term wealth, thanks to shared responsibilities and mutual support — a phenomenon sometimes called the "marriage premium."

Your Thoughts Create the Dynamic

Here’s a powerful idea: your relationship is not defined by what the other person does. It’s defined by your thoughts about that person.

I know, that might sound radical. But consider this: if you love someone, and someone else dislikes them, it’s not because that person changed — it’s because your thoughts about them differ. So when it comes to money dynamics, the same principle applies.

We each bring a “manual” — a set of unspoken expectations — into our relationships. Most of the time, we haven’t even told our partners what’s in that manual. And when they don’t meet it, we feel disappointed, anxious, or frustrated.

Here’s the shift: instead of trying to get your partner to change, ask yourself, What am I believing about them right now? and Is that belief helping or hurting me?

One Person Can Shift the Entire Dynamic

You don’t need both people to change for the dynamic to change. One person showing up differently — more openly, more curiously, more honestly — is enough to break the pattern and start a new one.

Take the example of a client who believed, “My spouse is wasteful with money.” That belief caused fear, secrecy, and resentment — which only reinforced the cycle. When he shifted the belief to “I may not agree on every purchase, but I can trust my wife,” it opened the door to honest conversation and collaboration.

Notice Without Judgment

What’s your current money pattern as a couple? Do you freeze and avoid the topic? Do you try to control every dollar? Do you wait until conflict boils over?

Whatever it is, just notice it. Without blame. Without shame. Curiosity is your superpower here. Think of yourself as a scientist studying your own behavior.

Own Your Side of the Dynamic

This isn’t about blame — it’s about responsibility. The more responsibility you take for your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions, the more power you have to create a relationship that supports both emotional and financial well-being.

Ask yourself:

• What am I believing about my partner and money?

• How do I act when I believe that?

• Who do I want to be in this relationship?

Choose your beliefs intentionally. The ones you practiced at the beginning of your relationship — like love, trust, or generosity — may need to be re-practiced now.

Wealth Begins From the Inside Out

At the end of the day, wealth isn’t just about how much money you have. It’s about the quality of your relationships, the intentionality of your thoughts, and the alignment between your inner world and your outer actions.

Your partner is your longest-term financial collaborator. So if you're serious about building wealth, get serious about how you relate to them — especially around money.

Start with curiosity. Add compassion. And take 100% responsibility for your side of the relationship. From there, everything can change.

If you would be open to working more deeply with me on this, my new Money and Relationships program begins in September. Stay tuned!